we don't drink sherry...we drink ga-a-asoline

My comrade 'Vivien' pays the rent by selling drinks in a noted high street alcohol emporium. A lazy afternoon can be spent crouched behind her counter, sampling the goods, listening to Leonard Cohen and snarling at the customers. The area is achingly bourgeois, and a steady stream of wine snobs with shallow pockets, cocky exchange students and carefully cultivated local eccentrics provide easy targets. One particular joy is watching our Viv interact with the youthful end of the market. Each shoddily forged carte d'identité, each poorly though out argument, each stroppy exchange is dealt with as a personal slight; her froideur is impressive. When the going is slow, one can look through the book in which the nanny state compels the employees of the off licence to detail the minutiae of everyday encounters with underage drinkers.

Viv and chums won't give up the goods if you happen to

• "look sheepish"
• give "too much chat; too confident".
• have acne, floppy hair, pink shirts, "dodgy dress sense", "preppy demeanor", a quiff, an abercrombie hoody
• are lanky, skinny, stocky, squat, or chubby
• perform "gallic shrugging" or "Latin arm waving and squawking"
• ask too many beer questions.
• "Irish or third world looking" identity cards

Some of the quotes I managed to copy down from the book of shame before being unceremoniously bundled from the shop and added to the 'tramp list':

• "Three posh students, requested vodka, WKD, cheap wine, all very predictable"
• "Very young arse-out boy wanted 'red vodka' to get his no doubt underage girlfriend drunk on."
• "Little pudgy boy, v. polite, gave the 'I only brought me card' talk, graciously buggered off to tell the mates across the street that it would be a dry night."
• "Sweet stocky brunette... I had to say no. But I did feel guilty."
• "Two Swiss lads had a long and persistant argument about their right to buy alcohol. All very wearsome and pointless. I told them buying gin at noon was not what they were in Oxford for."
• "Bulky lad, with that lost look that many youngsters tend to show."
• "Bunch of Danes asked for Barcardi Breezers. Should not be served on grounds of taste. Got really pissy when would not take credit card as ID. Whatevs."
• "Eurostudents. Being a total cunt, I even refused to sell them a bottle of coke"
• "Said we'd do him if he didn't get well out of town. Tosser."
• "Buck-toothed youngster. Refused service, in a huff, Marks & Spencers' problem now."